Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Randomize
