Good face, no body. And apparently her vagina is related to chewbaca.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
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