I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
