i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
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My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
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I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
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