During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?