Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
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I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
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It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"