I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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