its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
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he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
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Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(