...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??