my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
