So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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