guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
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We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
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The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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