I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
