I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
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