Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
