maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
