Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
