You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
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i would one night stand the shit outta him
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
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You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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