just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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