So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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