I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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