Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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