I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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