I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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