so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
