How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
