I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
