I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
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