I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
My underwear smells like fireworks.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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