i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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