that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
