Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
