i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
