seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
