I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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