I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
ok 1 i realized people actually live in central wisconsin and 2 culvers could be a good place to pick up chicks today
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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