On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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