Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
