I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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