I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Randomize
