i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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