I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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