the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
Randomize
