new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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