I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
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Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
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Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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