Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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