I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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