I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
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