sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
