I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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