wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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