She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
