so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
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I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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