She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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