I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
