I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
