Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Randomize
